Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
