First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
