do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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