Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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