Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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