4 words: hood of his car
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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