Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
