The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
