Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
