Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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