he thought i was a dude.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
