Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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