if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
