tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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