He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
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