my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
