fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
