it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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