woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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