This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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