Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
