Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize