I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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