bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
