at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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