I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
