omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
We got so high we made milksteak
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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