I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
