sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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