Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
