In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize