So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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