You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
sarcasm needs its own font
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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