Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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