My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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