Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize