peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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