I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
