I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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