Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
