Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
