so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
