what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Randomize
