White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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