Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
