My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
