marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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