I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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