Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
