I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
