yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
