Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Banned from zoo.
Again?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
