My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
