My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
