After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
