dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize