just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
