there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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