i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
