I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
