she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
